Going under the knife

I am now counting the days until I am admitted to the hospital for a total knee replacement. I have been nervous about this procedure because this is MAJOR surgery. They are going to be taking something of mine out that I was born with and replacing it with a metal device that I will have in my leg for the rest of my life.

My doctor is going to insert so much metal that he will give me, the lucky recipient, a card to present to the TSA gestapo at the airport to explain why all the metal detectors in the airport are going off as I approach Security.

Because I have been jittery about going under the knife, I have decided to face this ordeal with a little humor. Why? Because they tell me that laughter is the best medicine, and I need all the help I can muster at this point. So, here goes my feeble attempt to inject (pardon the pun) a little hospital humor into the situation.

Gee, I hope they let me wear my own nightgowns.

And, then there's this:

A lady goes into the hospital to have a very serious operation. While on the operating table undergoing preparation, she flatlines and soon finds herself standing before St. Peter. She begins to wonder what she is doing there.

“Are you sure that I’m supposed to be here, St. Peter?” St. Peter says, “Let me look at the Book of Life.” He looks carefully and says, “Why, no, my good woman, you’re not due here for 30 or 40 years!”

Suddenly, the lady wakes up in the OR and the doctor says, “Wow! We thought we had lost you! We’ve consulted here and we decided you don’t need this operation at this time.”

The lady hesitates and says, “Doctor, since I’m here and all prepped, could you perhaps see what you can do about this flabbiness under my arms? And, maybe give me a little tummy tuck and, oh, oh, how about these facial laugh lines?”

A week later, she is walking across the hospital parking lot when she is hit by a truck and killed. She again goes before St. Peter and says, “I thought you said I’m not due here for 30 or 40 years?”

St. Peter says, “I didn’t recognize you, my dear!”

One of the things I have to remember to do prior to surgery is shave my legs. It's getting on Spring now so I guess it's about time for that particular activity anyway.

They better have a really good pen in surgery so I can make notations on both knees. I certainly don't want him operating on the wrong knee. On my left knee I will write, "No. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200." On my right knee I will write, "Yes. Cut along this line. Do a good job and you can collect your $30,000.00 fee."

I also hope they have a lot of good drugs to give me. I need a vacation.