Saturday, March 11, 2006

New Company Policy

For all you lucky stiffs who are still out there working in the business world, I thought I would pass along a copy of a new company policy that was recently posted at one of our local places of employment.










SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. Sondra gets none.

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.

-- Management

For those of you who have joined us in the retirement club, I hope you had a good laugh over these new and improved work "rules." (I wish I knew how to add music to my blog. I would love to play "Take This Job and Shove It.") The way the economy is going, the above rules will probably go into effect on Monday.

11 Comments:

At March 11, 2006 12:50 PM, Blogger Rachel said...

Tough place to work!! Cute!

 
At March 11, 2006 3:00 PM, Blogger jellyhead said...

Very amusing! (even for us non-retired people)

 
At March 11, 2006 4:55 PM, Blogger Sue said...

I found it hilarious! It's great not to have to deal with workplace rules anymore! That music would have been perfect, but I just sort of hummed it to myself :)
Sue

 
At March 11, 2006 5:15 PM, Blogger Abandoned in Pasadena said...

Some of those rules are exactly what I had to work under from 1974 to 1994 for an Arab Surgeon...I even had to walk behind him and not at his side.

 
At March 11, 2006 5:22 PM, Blogger Lillee said...

Whooaa. Those are alot like the rules at my sons school....

 
At March 11, 2006 6:32 PM, Blogger Alipurr said...

very funny, love dilbert

 
At March 11, 2006 8:44 PM, Blogger susan said...

Not retired yet but working at home for myself! No rules, mate! Thanks for a fun post.

 
At March 11, 2006 10:22 PM, Blogger TUFFENUF said...

Those are funny, but some are becomming sadly true in some workplaces. When I was young people got careers, not just jobs, and sometimes worked their whole life at one place. Now there is no such thing as job security, so there is no more job loyalty. I am glad to be done with it!

 
At March 11, 2006 10:26 PM, Blogger bornfool said...

I think some of them have already gone into effect. Don't send this to the governor.

 
At March 12, 2006 7:26 AM, Blogger Kerri said...

This is great. Thanks for my morning chuckle. sounds like where my husband works :)
You've been busy! I'll be back to catch up on the rest of your postings when I have more time.

 
At March 12, 2006 10:19 AM, Blogger manababies said...

This sounds like the place I worked at before I quit to become a stay at home mom. I kid you not! :)

 

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