April Fools' Day

April 1st, 2006 -- the first day of the rest of my life, a day that marks a lot of big changes for me.

I don't want any jokes played on me today because a lot of things are happening in my life right now. It's not that I don't have a sense of humor, it's just that life likes to play tricks on me and sometimes they're not appreciated.

Today my Medicare card becomes active! Me, on Medicare. I'm not old (I don't think). I don't look old and I certainly don't feel old. My mind is as active today as it was five years ago and I haven't taken to wearing purple with red hats and sitting on curbs. I don't walk around mumbling to myself and I don't do nutty things like digging through garbage barrels looking for aluminum cans and other treasures. I also don't save string or used aluminum foil to make huge balls. I don't eat cat food because I'm too poor to buy regular food, and I don't steal condiments from restaurants and hide them in my purse. (I do talk to my six cats, but that's not too nutty, is it?)

My mother told me many years ago that I was almost born on April 1st. I would have hated to be born on this day. Fortunately, I was born on April 10th, so I didn't have to go through life always being subjected to pranks on my birthday. My good friend Bornfool was born on April 1st. He's a pretty funny fellow, and I guess he gets his humor from either working at the pen or because he was born on this day. Happy birthday, BF. I hope you don't have any crappy pranks played on you today by the nutty inmates you supervise.

Today is also the start of the final countdown for my surgery which is scheduled for April 10th. What a happy birthday present. I'm really getting nervous and jittery even though intellectually I know everything will be okay. I worked in healthcare for many years and KNOW what's going to happen. I just don't want any surprises and I certainly don't want any adverse outcomes. I KNOW I will be receiving the best of care at a premier healthcare facility. My procedure will be conducted by the BEST ortho surgeon in this part of the country. He is so reknown, in fact, that he has his own surgery suite that NOBODY is allowed to use. My surgery will be conducted under a spinal with conscious sedation so I will be able to "observe" a little during the procedure. (That's one of my problems; I always want to know what's happening.)

April 1st will mark the beginning of a new phase in my life. I thought I felt old when we first started having grandchildren. I kept telling myself that I was a really YOUNG grandmother. Before the first grandchild was born, I had to start worrying about my health and my heart, so I had to quit smoking. Then my hair started turning greyer and everything started sagging. Then I joined AARP. Then I stopped working and started receiving Social Security. My husband then got me to join NARFE (National Active and Retired Federal Employees) because he's a member. Now I'm joining the ranks of the grey-haired, wrinkly, sagging-skinned old farts' club -- Medicare, Parts A and B. Where's it all going to end? First one joint replacement, then possibly another. Pretty soon I'll qualify for a total body replacement then you can call me the four-and-one-half-million-dollar woman (that's because women get paid less than men).

So, a word to the wise. Don't play any April Fools' jokes on me today because I'm really cranky. It's not easy being old(er). (You can play them on BF, though. He'll probably like them.)