Are you a boomer, or have you already bombed?

I was reading cnn.com the other day and they had an article on President Bush turning 60. He and a bunch of other well-known celebrities are now considered baby boomers. For those of us who have already surpassed that infamous mark, I bring you the following to make you feel right at home.


You know you're old when . . .

• In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

• It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.

• Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

• No one expects you to run into a burning building.

• People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

• People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

• There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

• Things you buy now won't wear out.

• You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

• You can eat dinner at 4:00

• You can live without sex but not without glasses.

• You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

• You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

• You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

• You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

• You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

• You got cable (or satellite) for the weather channel.

• You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

• You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

• You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

• You send money to PBS.

• You sing along with the elevator music.

• You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

• Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

• Your back goes out more than you do.

• Your ears are hairier than your head.

• Your eyes won't get much worse.

• Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

• Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.

• Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

• Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

Getting older is not fun. In fact, once you quit working at a paying job, getting up in the morning is a job in itself. Do you have a routine for unwinding yourself and getting your bones moving again? Sometimes I feel as if half the morning is spent getting myself in a mood to open my eyes to say "good morning."

For those who are still young enough to call yourselves a baby boomer, enjoy it while you can. Pretty soon you won't be able to ride your mountain bike, get black belts in karate, hike up trails in the mountains, or swim forty laps in an olympic-size swimming pool. You will become like the rest of us old codgers -- being worried about unnatural leaks, going to restaurants, eating half your meal, and taking the rest home for supper, and hoping gravity doesn't make anything else fall on your body. You'll go through your day watching your step because the last thing you want to do is fall and break something.

I say "whoop-de-do" to those now turning 60. We've all returned to the '60s (metaphorically) except that now we can't wear our hair long as a lot of us don't have much hair left. We can't wear body paint anymore because it would just get lost in the wrinkles. If we wear love beads, they would weight us down too much (and those who have osteoporosis wouldn't want to fracture anything). We can still say "cool," but now it means we need a sweater. We can also say "groovy," but it means that we're in a rut and can't get out.

I know I'm getting old. Husband and I were in the pool the other day. We had the radio going out on the deck and the oldies-but-goodies station was playing music we love. All of a sudden we realized that the music they were playing was from the '50s and '60s and it's stuff that's 40-something and 50-something years old. Where did the time go? We were just getting with it and now all the music we like is a half-century old. Aaak.